BFM #524 Checks Mix

Having enjoyed a mild weekend, Mr. Polar Vortex visited us as we gathered at South Philly Bar.  Barbara Bush, Just Maddy, and After School Delight were there when Flounder and I arrived.   Groundhog (Hedgehog) Lay introduced us to Just Roomate (Just Nick) and “his” virgin, Just Mike. Our fearless leader, Gay Matthew’s Lamb soon arrived with snow colored flour, followed by (in order of appearance) Commander Captain Crunch (Cockmaster and Commander), Ch-ch-ch-Chasez Boyz, C-men ++, Punani Puri, Manual Fiesta, Auschwitz Hole is That? (I had to ask her for help ‘Cause I’m not used to spelling Auschwitz), Hole Patrol, Tits O’ Steel, Just Andrew and Just Brianna (Semi-Virgins) with Virgin Virgins Just Matt and Just Ann(e?), Taco? I Barely Know Her, Side Show Boob, er, Bob Job, and additional Virgin Just Jeff.   I think Ms. Delight must have been prelubing for a while ‘Cause I overheard “You called me fat!” “You’re a big fat c@ck!” and “Tits for Beer!”  before most of us had a chance to finish downloading Twitter, or quaffing pre-trail beer.

Since we were in her hood, After School Delight volunteered to hare, accompanied by Barbara Bush (Babs).

At 8:00 Mr. Fiesta tried to herd the herd for chalk talk.  At 8:05 he came back in to try to herd the herd. ..  It was really cold outside, so the pack was a tad reluctant. Finally assembled, the Virgins were introduced (Groundhog Lay made them come one way or another), and the X F •  •  •  BN SN ? were ‘splain’d (by Ms. Steel) , before the dancing, jumping, really cold M. (Pants? Who needs pants? I’ll just do trail in my winter shorts) Fiesta sent us off.  Trail went something like this:

X                         X

   X                                    X


  X                X

X                         X                  X

?                                                         X    

(“If they hadn’t made the chalk talk so big, they could’ve put some marks.”)  Until we somehow found ourselves in one of the row homes (G. L.) for shots of SoCo & Lime.  Lots of shots.  Then out the backdoor (so to speak) to find the SN in the alley.  Then suddenly there were actual marks, leading to many more Xs, crossing Washington, Broad, Washington . . .  Then,  ?  ?   into Ray’s Grumpy Birthday Bar, where we  all carded (“I’m older than you, probably.”) and took over the slightly less smoky back room for a round of Yuengling Premium.  Chasez Boyz must have been chasing boys, or stopped at Mickey D’s, ‘Cause he turned up late (better than never) for the BN  .  (“How did you find us?” “There’s an arrow.” The bartender had washed away the BN.  I can’t understand why he doesn’t like customers.)  Eventually, we r*n the last yards back to the ON IN . . .

where we were greeted by Hole Patrol requesting our Hash Cash, several Autohashers, and the welcome-ish sight of PBR Pounders, being used to “fill” cups for m.

Ms. Steel began with “What did everybody think…” “Ziggy zaggy, ziggy zaggy, oy, oy,oy.” <drink> “Can we have our Hares in circle.”  Enter After School Delight and Babs.  Trail was declared, too short, not cold enough, too many marks, not enough shot checks, and we all sang “S-H-I,  T-T-Y,  T-R-A-I-L”

Pay attention Virgins ‘Cause you’re next.  Enter:

 Just Ann(e?) and Just MattJust Brianna and Just Andrew made them come (semi-virgins whom Hedgehog/Groundhog Lay made come).
Just Jeff (Groundhog/Hedgehog Lay).  (Now I know why his name is “Groundhog Lay” R.I.P Harold Ramis.) ((Okay, that’s not the real reason, which I now know, but it’s a story he can tell his mother.  (See BFM # 523 GL bares his . . .  soul to an NPR correspondent)). We sang “We’ve Got Virgins,” (surprise, surprise)[ end parentheses].

Who were our First In(s) and Last In(s)?  Punani -Patrol /Side Show- Blindness.  (For some reason I didn’t write down and I don’t remember what we sang (‘Cause I’m old.) Maybe we were Born So Beautiful??) [I lied about the parentheses.]

Enter Autohashers: Taco (never left camp), He’s a Lesbian (HAL), Just Ozzie, Bareback Mountain, Semen on the Poopdeck, all of whom apparently have “a Small Dick…after all.”

Next  up, Comes Latelies: Just Maddy, HAL, Mr. Poopdeck, Side Show B J, and Bareback for the only verse of “Where, O Where Were You Last Hash?”

Chasez Boyz
for stopping at McDonald’s before the Beer Near
The Hares for not leaving any marks on (the first leg of) trail. 
Cause for Blindness
for trying to be cool and download Twitter from the Interwebs.
Side Show Bob Job for baring her midriff (is this not acceptable hash behavior(u)r?)
The Semi-Virgins and the Virgins for pointing/not warning about pointing (next week: New Shoes!)
“Down Down, Down your beer to pay for your crime, Quit complaining about the taste, there’s no sperm this time.”

Manual Fiesta for pointing
Cmen ++ for texting on trail (but she was talking to her grandmother when she espied  Punani and promptly joined trail.)
When one seaman drinks … S on the Poopdeck and Cockmaster and Commander (I learned something new today!)
Just Maddy for “wearing her uniform” (a green sweatshirt) and then
Punani Puri for not being able to tell “a Brit from a Mick.” (HAL’s words, not mine)
Why were they born so beautiful?

Hole Patrol and Punani Puri for skipping the beer near.
The Hares (Babs and Delight) for picking a smokey bar
Just Ozzie for something – maybe never r*nning trail, Just Shows Up at the Bar.
Some, none or all of whom may have enjoyed “Hot Vagina for your Breakfast.”

Hole Patrol, for announcing and GML, C++, ASD for potentially Overachieving Ass-Clowning.  “My Name is Jack”

At some point pre-virgin Just Dick (!) showed up to drink and schmooze with us.  I think Hedgehog Lay will have made him come.


This will happen:   2014 West Philly Runners 26 x 1mile Relay Challenge

And this will happen: Philly Green Dress Weekend – Weekend begins with BFM on Thursday, at Bonner’s, then Philly Full Moon on Friday, Drinker’s.  Green Dress R*n, Paddy Whacks on South Street,  The Liberty Bell Fat Boy/Hangover/Recovery Bloody Mary Fest at Dirty Frank’s.


Cause for Blindness


One Response to “BFM #524 Checks Mix”

  1. Shop & Fuck says:

    At first I though this trash sucked…but the cleverly placed links are fucking hysterical. This trash is brilliant!

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