BFM #523 Virgins Winning and Losing the Hash

February 20th, 2014.  In Kiev people were dying for speaking out against a government teeming with corruption while here in the states a couple of guys sold a phone app for $19B which could have bought all of the Ukraine and still had enough left over to pay hash cash, beer checks, and on-after beer for the BFM forever (or maybe two weeks the way you lushes drink).  Since none of us could figure out how to create an app that would supply us with endless amounts of beer we thought we could show our support for those in the Ukraine by laying trail in a place almost certain to get at least one of us shot…West Philly.  So off we headed to, if not already a BFM favorite bar then certainly will be, Millcreek Tavern.  Those of us who came out on such a lovely break in the weather of the winter of our undescendable balls included:

Gay Matthews Lamb, Chases Boyz, Horney Hands, Chorizo Curtains, Groundhog Lay, Splashback, Just Angie, Just Alicia, C-Men++, Lump Neck Muncher, Wishboner, Cock Master and Commander, Chef Boy or Horse, Softcore Analyst, Manual Fiesta, Hole Patrol, Just Deborah, Just Nick (Virgin), Radar (Auto), Just Joel, Tits of Steel, Just Dick (Virgin), Just Ozzie (Auto), Shop & Fuck, and Just Ryan with his huge, stiff, black…microphone?

Who the fuck is Just Ryan?  Oh, he’s the guy from NPR who is doing a piece on the BFM and hashing.  So we were all greeted by his big, fuzzy, hard, battery operated microphone and one by one we fell prey to his interrogations (and possibly tagged for future oppression much like those over in the Ukraine).  I couldn’t help but notice how some of our hashers seemed to bask in the attention that was being heaped upon them by Just Ryan.  If he had hung around longer than just chalk talk I am pretty sure he would have gotten at least a handy (and that’s just from me).  But the competitive spirit was strong in the pack as we all eagerly awaited Team USA to beat the shit out of those fucking Cunucks (and with two amazing last minute goals Team USA won the game and our hearts…my trash, so shut the fuck up).  So without our token Canadian with which to whip on we all eagerly drew straws.  Cock Master and Commander, who was just back from doing a tour in Afghanistan, was rewarded for his bravery with having to go back into a war zone as the hare.  Our GM thought that sending CM&C out alone to be shot on the streets of West Philly after surviving Afghanistan was not very kind so he decided to get shot with him by co-haring (TWO WEEKS IN A ROW AS HARE! OVER ACHIEVING ASS CLOWN!).

So Tits of Steel and Manual Fiesta lead Chalk Talk while Just Ryan recorded our discretions with much mortification and regret realizing he would have to edit his copious recordings down to about ten seconds of censored sound bites.  But soon we were off on…

TRAIL:

Our Chalk Talk true trail pointed us south as we all cringed with the fear that death would soon be upon us.  After a couple of blocks we were well checked at 42nd and Woodland as the pack spread out down the streets scratching their heads until somebody finally decided to try the stairs into the courtyard of the U. of Sciences campus where trail lead us to a 43rd St. check which went north (away from certain death…and we all rejoiced).  We were then greeted by an early true trail west on Chester Ave before being BC2 to the north side of Clark Park which then lead us north up 44th St.  We then got checked on Osage Ave.  The hare must have decided that he witnessed enough bombings in Afghanistan as trail continued north instead of heading down Osage with its history of its own bombings.  A couple of blocks further north and we got checked on Spruce where trail went East (and relative safety) through all kinds of urban shiggy (unshoveled sidewalks and huge patches of melting ice).  We were again checked at 42nd St. where trail went north and was kindly marked by the pack using twigs.  A block later we were checked again and went East on Locust before getting BC4 to an incredibly tight and worrisome alley south.

It was at this point that our virgin, Just Dick (seriously it is like he came with a built in hash name already) yelled out, “Fuck that!  It’s bullshit.  Shouldn’t they put an X there?”  Oh virgin, how soon you will learn.  The seedy alley, with all its potential for leading to my losing of my anal virginity, lead us out onto Spruce and a true trail east.  I stopped there to note this mark as I looked across the street at the rest of the pack going west on Spruce having ignored the great big true trail I was standing next to.  Oh well, fuck’em.  While I was standing there a winded Chorizo Curtains came up and said she saw the hare over on Locust heading towards Penn’s Locust Walk but couldn’t catch him.  Damn military conditioned hare.  Off she went to go see if she could short cut while I stuck around to see if the pack would ever right itself, which it did and then got checked at 39th and Spruce which as foreseen by CC went north towards the Locust Walk and continued past all the confused coeds right on to the BEER NEAR!  Cavanaugh’s University City, a hash friendly BFM favorite.

And there was much drinking of the frothy brew.  We rejoiced and made merry as we were all in good spirits from the pleasant weather and lack of bodily harm on trail.  A particularly muscled gentleman with overly gelled hair and a wide open button down shirt provided much entertainment as he eye fucked his waitress in a most lascivious way.  It was so shameful I almost asked him to join the hash.  It was during this entertainment that Hole Patrol was poking fun of Chorizo’s neon hot pink necklace all while Wishboner was retrieving Hole Patrol’s which he had just unknowingly dropped on the ground.  Karma?  Soon we were out again into the night going north to a check on Chestnut and got fucked going west before finding trail east and then BC2 to 38th St. where trail went South to another BC that lead us to the 1920 Commons Bridge where the pack stood around for quite some time as we couldn’t figure out where trail went since it obviously couldn’t go west cause that would have crossed trail…but of course it did go west where the hares narrowly skirted crossing trail before giving up and dropping an ON-IN recognizing that they were fucked if they didn’t.  And so we triumphantly made our way in for…

CIRCLE:

HARES:  Cock Master and Commander with Gay Matthews Lamb who used too much flour on trail, didn’t find enough icy patches or rapey alleys, had too few checks and definitely not enough back checks, in a neighborhood that was far too safe and in weather that was way too comfortable.   We sang S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L…

VIRGINS:  We were provided two new studs which had all the harriets quivering with delight.  Just Nick (Groundhog Lay made him cum) and Just Dick (seriously that is just perfect) the fireman who was sitting at the bar when we came in (Lumpy made him cum because who could resist her).  NOT Just Ryan cause he didn’t do trail and thus did not lose his virginity.  And seconds after being introduced the RA’s fucked up the intro multiple times getting ziggy zaggied until eventually they lead us in Back Against the Wall…

FIRST IN/LAST IN:  The virgin, Just Dick, the fireman who was sitting at the bar just off of a 24hr shift and with already a few drinks in him with his work shoes on was first in…we really are a bunch of fat lazy bastards.  Last in was the virgin Just Nick as he came in with the super hot and sexy trio of Splash Back, Just Alicia, and Just Angie (well played, virgin, well played).  We muscled our way through Doe Ray Me as Tits of Steel insisted the song started on Ray.

VISITORS:  Sooner or later somebody is going to come visit us.

AUTO HASHERS:  See Above…but Radar actually left before we got back for circle so it was Just Ozzie, back from training for the next winter Olympics for the skeleton with the bruises and all, all by himself.  We sang It’s A Small Dick After All…

CUMS LATELY:  Just Deborah (she cums in from way out in the suburbs where they got like 60in of snow and are still digging out…get a snow blower), Cock Master and Commander (some bullshit story about having been deployed when really he was just trying to get laid before he “shipped off” and couldn’t come back until enough time passed to make it believable), and Just Joel (I am still waiting to hear his excuse).  We sang Where Were You Last Week…

ACCUSATIONS:

ROUND ONE:  Just Angie, Just Alicia, Lumpy and Wishboner for not already being hot enough as it is that they had to impersonate Auto Hashers by getting dressed up in sexy non-running attire when less clothes would have been better (and Just Alicia even put on perfume…which smelled amazing compared to rankness of the rest of the sweaty hash).  Shop & Fuck for not having a beer before chalk talk.  Horney Hands for soliciting NPR to advertise for the BFM.  Hole Patrol for all his rules when there are no rules in hashing.  And when one soulless ginger drinks so does Just Ozzie, Wishboner, Chases Boyz, Chef Boy or Horse and Tits of Steel.  Just Dick for yelling, “I WON THE HASH” after being first in.  And when one virgin drinks so does Just Nick (we were working hard on getting these virgins hammered so we could have our way with them).  And we sang Roll Back My Foreskin…

ROUND TWO:  Horney Hands for trying to convince Chorizo Curtains that he might be her father…while hitting on her.  Just Nick for attempting to shove his cup up his ass instead of tipping it over his head after his virgin down down song.  And when one virgin drinks so does Just Dick.  And even though Just Nick should have paid better attention when instructed on what to do by Tits of Steel and Manual Fiesta (although they fucked that shit up and probably should have drank for this accusation also), Groundhog Lay should have told him what to do before the hash so he drank too.  Chorizo Curtains for being so “Polish-ed”.  We sang What A Wank, What A Wank…

ROUND THREE:  Just Dick for racist behavior for “winning the hash”.  And when one racist drinks so does Hole Patrol and Shop & Fuck for trying to break Groundhog Lay’s spirit at the end of the trail.  Softcore Analyst for bringing all the crappy weather with him.  We sang Would You Like A Finger In Your…

ROUND FOUR:  Just Angie and Just Alicia for acting like the hash wasn’t hard enough.  Oh…and remember earlier when Hole Patrol lost his necklace while bitching about other people’s pink necklaces…it was now that Wishboner brought that up.  Chases Boyz made some sort of nonsensical accusation to Chorizo Curtains about taunting traffic…so they both drank.  Just Joel for looking like a thirsty bastard.  We sang Dinah Won’t You Blow Me…

ROUND FIVE:  Just Nick for not being able to hold his liquids and needing to take a pee break mid circle.  Gay Matthews Lamb for his constant over achieving by being prepared with flour and straws and haring and promising to set bars three weeks in advance and doing an awesome job as GM.  And when one hare drinks so does Cock Master and Commander.  We sang She Likes It In The Kitchen…

FINAL ROUND:  Just Deborah for asking Hole Patrol early in the week if he was going to be hashing this week when Hole Patrol doesn’t even know what he will be doing in two hours.  Lumpy for relative insanity.  Just Angie and Just Alicia for looking bored.  We sang When It’s Incest Time In Texas…

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Chases Boyz got a rego for Stink-O De Mayo the weekend of May 5th…see, dreams really do cum true.

The Inter-Americas Hash in Portland is down to less than 300 regos left (it is capped at 1,500) and they will most likely sell out soon so better get one now and help the more than 15 BFM friends and family represent.  Registration is up on HashSpace at https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16946&cat=256 for Labor Day weekend 2015.

Philadelphia Green Dress Run is March 15th.  Registration is up on HashSpace at https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16996&cat=256&page=1 for the Saturday trail and on-after.  We will be Pre-lubing Thursday with the BFM, Friday with the Philly Full Moon and then a fat boy pub crawl on Sunday morning with the Liberty Bell/Philly Phair Weather Hash.

The Philly Hash has the next several trails scheduled so come out and see how they do it on the other side.  Check it out www.phillyhash.com every Saturday pack is off by 3pm.

BFM 524 will be at the South Philly Bar and Grille.  So while this isn’t a full three weeks of bars being posted in advance, it is progress.

Overheard at the Hash is on Twitter @bfmh3 so you can read it as it happens.

And so Manual Fiesta and Tits of Steel closed yet another entertainingly chaotic circle.  There was much rejoicing and singing of Jesus Saves and dancing.  The last of us didn’t leave until 1am.  We got loud, we got sloppy, we got fun!

STATISTICS:  52 down down BEERS downed.  24 Total Hashers.  14 straight up studs and me.  9 stone cold foxy ladies.  12 songs sung.  6 gingers.  2 Virgins.  2 Fuck ups by the RA’s (Only two?  I really was a terrible RA wasn’t I).  1 member of the media.  0 shootings.  0 apps created.  0 Candadians.

One Response to “BFM #523 Virgins Winning and Losing the Hash”

  1. Barabara Bush says:

    Look at you! Funnier than mine, and out 6X as fast.

    Excellent writing…
    Who knew that quicker would be better?

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