BFM #526 Lube Is For Pussies

For the record, anything I write is a complete fabrication.  All characters appearing in this or any other trash I have written are fictitious.  Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

The BFM is the driving force behind hashing (and half assed hashing) in Philadelphia and the tri-state area.  Yeah, I said it.  I put forth this trash and the events of last night as proof of this statement.  Last night was a love fest of astronomical proportions as all were gearing up for what is certain to be a Green Dress Run to top all Dress Runs which have proceeded.  We drew a collection of eye candy from our own BFM bloodline as well as those from afar because we are awesome.  I offer this list of studs on hand as proof of our virility and strength:

Sternum&Rectum (a film producing guru), LittleFuckingWinkie (his cock seeded the BFM), HornyHands (with firm yet gentle caress), CockMaster&Commander (built like GOD), ManualFiesta (the most charming mystery of girls desires and resident RA), RubberRipper (fastest rock musician on two feet and even capable of handling our hash horn), Flounder (dashing distinguished gentleman), UrineLuck (the most desired gigolo since Richard Gere…with a bigger cock), SoftCoreAnalyst (the sweetest man a woman could want to fuck), ChasezBoyz (the bad boy giving soulless gingers something to live up to), GayMatthewsLamb (dances like Travolta, sings like Sinatra, and responsible for all the good times), HolePatrol (The fastest mother fucker you will ever meet and our financial rock), TourDe’Puke (the legendary hasher of world renown), Vaginacologist (Plato, Aristotle, Socrates…morons),  TubeCock (his cock IS that big…it isn’t the exchange rate), S&MMan (saves lives by day…our souls by night), SemenOnThePoopDeck (handsome sailor with a satisfied woman in every port), Taco…IBarelyKnowHer (with great size comes…a very pleased woman), DancingFool (saving the world every hour of every day), RearEngineer (the only reason a woman would swoon for George Clooney is they haven’t met Rear yet), BarebackMountain (making the 300 look like pussies), GroundhogLay (flashes a smile that makes women moist), and JustJ.B. (just met him and I can tell all the ladies can’t wait to meet him too), UncleBadTouch (Calif. can’t make this guy soft…especially when a woman is near), PostMasterGenital (Only his good looks outshine his drunken stupidity). NotInMyHair (we named him, he’s ours, don’t scorn us).

I offer this list of goddesses as proof of our beauty and wisdom:

TitsOfSteel (great tits, yes, and so much more and resident RA), WishBoneher (the sexy princess of punishment), Stacks (Queen of the BFM), LumpNeckMuncher (a bronze goddess, minx of the hash), ScoobyGoo (yeah, that was her…cause she parties like a rock star), JustDeborah (looking way too good not to be training for something), AfterSchoolDelight (those tits…THAT ASS!), JustJulie (a tasty new treat for the BFM), CauseForBlindness (don’t call her the matriarch as she’s got the tits of a 20 year old), JugStains (our brassy beauty), BarbaraBush (funny, foxy, and fine), HoldTheSausage (rocking the hard body, working it 30 days straight), ChorizoCurtains (Gorgeous brunette who draws all the boys attention), GrandfatherCock (whoa…where did she come from, so hot), Cmen++ (resting beautiful face is more like it), JustAlex (everyman’s wet dream), AuschwitzHoleIsThat (makes cute the new sexy), JustAmy (as much as the boys want her…HANDS OFF…that’s property of Taco).  Seriously, I could masturbate to each and every one of these stone cold foxes and still find it in me to go a second round.

As each and every one of the aforementioned attendees entered the bar they were greeted with a rousing cheer as if we were all anticipating being regaled by a funny quip.  There was a lot of hugging and shaking of hands and kisses on the cheek.  We were god damn respectable.  In fact it was the non-hashers at the bar that were loud and raucous for once.   Those that were ready to brave the cold were bubbly with anticipation right up until they learned that Hole Patrol was our hare and worse yet, Tube Cock was co-haring.  So as ManualFiesta chimed in with “Chalk Talk!” the pack was as willing to take off as an A320 Airbus was from Philadelphia International Airport.  Even our Hash Horn RubberRipper was balking at the idea.  But soon their spirits were revived as they learned that there would be BEER! Near and SHOTS! Near and an option to Turkey out of a long trail and so our Hash Horn did us proud and tempted fate by putting his lips to the cold horn metal.

Now I being of sound body and mind realized that the bar was warm, the food was good, and the BEER! Was quenching so I stayed in the bar with some of the sexiest harriets known to man.  I am no fool…but I did see a Dancing Fool come strolling in the bar wearing a suit and tie and…dirty nasty hash sneakers, but far better dressed than I have ever been.  Once again proof of how great the BFM is as it inspired even Dancing Fool to dress for our occasion.  And even as the pack pranced off more hashers kept arriving because we are awesome.

So since I was not on trail I can only relate second hand what had happened from the three waves of people that came through the door prior to last in.  The first wave crashed through the spring driven overly painted green bi-panel doors of Bonner’s speaking of cold weather, bullshit marks, and a Shot Check at Logan Square that while tasty left them feeling as though the shot was tasting them back (something about a gelatinous ball at bottom that felt like a tongue licking them back).  Needless to say from there they got lost and just bounded on back in doubling the size of hashers at the bar.

The next wave of people that came galloping in were those that opted for the turkey trail that was positioned immediately after the first BEER! Near at Cherry Street Tavern.  This group spoke of much of the same as the earlier wave with the exception of a bridge, getting fooled into believing 30th Street Station was a destination, and making tracks along the Schuylkill which was finally cleared of all the mess from this awful winter.

The third and final wave of people waltzed in like the walking wounded.  Complaints of not seeing the turkey split as they would have taken that on-in, even more bridges, only having found salvation at BEER! Near Graces Tavern over at the end of the Grays Ferry Bridge, and being carded and booted from said tavern by a man with a very impressive mustache (see number 4) (is it possible that it was LittleFuckingWinkie that got carded and booted?  What are you fucking new?).

So with everyone in and people already dancing to the tunes laid out by our temporary DJ, Lumpy the rousing call of HASH CASH was yelled out soon followed by CIRCLE UP!  So as the 45 of us (wait, we lost WishBoneHer to “I have to work tomorrow”, Stacks to “You kids have fun”, Sternum&Rectum to “I have movies to produce”, BarbaraBush to “Taking selfies in front of traffic”, HoldTheSausage to “30 days in a row…can’t break the streak” and DancingFool to “Whatever it is that DancingFool does”), 39 of us piled in to the back room of Bonner’s and to the sounds of TitsOfSteel and ManualFiesta yelling:

CIRCLE UP:

HARES:  HolePatrol gets the credit for this ever so warm, shiggy full, overly marked, bridgeless, debacle without enough beer checks.  TubeCock didn’t help matters as he contributed to the first of his four trails this weekend (Overachieving Ass Clown Award).   We sang “And the Hairs…”

FIRST IN LAST IN:  Vaginacologist made his way in first as part of that first wave of lost hashers.  RubberRipper our sad little hash horn was last in with CauseForBlindness on his arm.  We sand “Meet the Hashers…”

VIRGINS:  We definitely had some hot and sexy virgins join us this week…more proof of our growing greatness and dominance.  We had sweet and sexy JustJulie (HolePatrol made her cum…so it’s like that is it?), hot mama JustAmy (Taco…IBarelyKnowHer made her cum…and he has living proof of this accomplishment), and JustJ.B (GroundhogLay made him cum in very dapper attire no less).

VISITORS:  Because we are so grand, visitors for Green Dress needed to cum out two days early in order to be a part of our grandness.  This included those from kennels almost as good as ours H5 (LumpNeckMuncher …so sexy, ScoobyGoo …still standing, and PostMasterGenital …who needs to learn that BEER! goes in him not on him and all over the floor), Summit (NotInMyHair …who needs to learn that he is a BFM not that Summit bullshit), San Francisco (UncleBadTouch …so dead to us), DCRH (S&MMan …at least he stayed close), LHV (GrandfatherCock …is there more like her where she came from?), and finally Takes It Up The Ass Every Wednesday (TourDe’Puke …our legend who of course would lead them all in song).  We tried to sing “Oh There Are No Real Hashers At Penn State…) but it was shout down by all the Penn Staters in anticipation of where it was obviously going.

CUMS LATELYS:  S&MMan (he was off saving lives or some shit down in MD where seriously, are they really all that worth saving?), RearEngineer (he was off GM’ing some other lesser hash from the Philadelphia region), JustDeborah (have you seen her? She is obviously training for something long distance…racist), RubberRipper (he was off trying to learn how to get us all out of jail where we all will be after Green Dress this weekend), LitteFuckingWinkie (he was off not wanting to take credit for the awesomeness that we have become).  We sang “Oh Where Oh Where Were You Last Week…”

AUTO HASHERS (also known as the smartest and warmest hashers):  RearEngineer, ChorizoCurtains, Taco…IBarelyKnowHer, JustAmy, AuschwitzHoleIsThat, GroundHogLay, AfterSchoolDelight, JustJ.B., Shop&Fuck, and BarebackMountain.  We sang “A Sol A Sol A Soldier I Will Be…”

 

ACCUSATIONS: 

Round 1: 

HolePatrol via ManualFiesta for what was an outrageously long trail on a mindnumbingly cold night.

LittleFuckingWinkie via RearEngineer for five year spans between hashes…way too long for cum lately.

RubberRipper via ChorizoCurtains for resting his “horn” on her shoulder and still falling off the chair despite being completely sober.

CauseForBlindness via NotInMyHair for her halfway through trail ordering a sandwich in order to survive the length of the epic journey.

NotInMyHair via AuschwitzHoleIsThat for thinking that all Jews look alike and mistaking her for CumTestDummy.

And we sang “Hot Vagina For Breakfast…”

Round 2:

GayMatthewsLamb via S&MMan for sporting the Kid N Play hairdo.

RubberRipper via TitsOfSteel for not being horny enough on trail.

And we sang “24 Hours To Go…:

Round 3:

GayMatthewsLamb via ChasezBoyz for letting somebody do it in his ear.

UrineLuck via HolePatrol for eating soup on trail…which was only the second half of his meal.

CockMaster&Commander via ManualFiesta for his racist behavior of running fast or in some event or something.

UncleBadTouch via ChorizoCurtains for trying to look all innocent in the corner…we know what you’re up to.

HolePatrol via AuschwitzHoleIsThat for having to drink what the waitress gave him in free BEER!

And we sang “I Love My Girl…”

Round 4:

TubeCock via HolePatrol for wearing SemenOnThePoopDeck ‘s turtleneck sweater.

And when one hare drinks so does HolePatrol.

And when one turtleneck wearer drinks so does JustJ.B. and Flounder.

And we sang “Can’t Hear Your Safe Word…” lead by S&MMan.

Round 5:

AfterSchoolDelight via GayMatthewsLamb for being on video saying, “My mom will be so proud of this three way.”

JustAmy via HolePatrol for not coming out and drinking with us all year.

Taco…IBarelyKnowHer via GayMatthewsLamb for proving that he didn’t just magically procreate his two sons on his own.

UrineLuck via AfterSchoolDelight for getting upset that after he gave her his phone and his password and not thinking she was going to send all kinds of shit to everybody in his contacts list.

And we sang “He’s The Meanest…”

Round 6:

GayMatthewsLamb via NotInMyHair for after losing UrineLuck on trail going out and finding him.

UrineLuck via Vaginacologist for having a picture of a hairy ass on his phone…oh, correction, two hairy asses and a hair dick.

TubeCock via RearEngineer for assisting on all the trails this Green Dress Weekend.

And when one baldy drinks so does TourDe’Puke.

Vaginacologist via ChorizoCurtains for complaining about hair asses when he is sporting one of the hairiest.

RearEngineer via HolePatrol for bailing on all the trails this year leaving us with TubeCock to do the job.

And we sang “My Vagina Has A First Name…”

Round 7:

JuggStaings via AuschwitzHoleIsThat for now knowing how to spell vagina.

JustJ.B. via AfterSchoolDelight for watching porn, which is obviously acceptable hash behavior otherwise I would have been kicked out ages ago…so AfterSchoolDelight drinks.

UncleBadTouch via Taco…IBarelyKnowHer for stating he has to pace himself this weekend after what he did last weekend at WIE.  San Francisco has made him soft…so disregard what I said earlier.

SemenOnThePoopDeck via JuggStains for clogging the toilet and then drawing a cartoon dick to show how to drain it.

And we sang “Get It Up Get It In Now Here’s Your Cab Fair…” lead by S&MMan.

Round 8:

RubberRipper was made to drink from his hash horn for failing to blow it on trail.  BEER! was contributed by all.

TitsOfSteel via CauseForBlindness for looking thirsty.

And when one RA drinks so does ManualFiesta.

And when one soulless ginger drinks so does ChasezBoyz.

LittleFuckingWinkie via CauseForBlindness for messing up his ban on her for life from being on-sect.

BarebackMountain via AuschwitzHoleIsThat for claiming he can’t run because of a groin injury when that injury is obviously from spanking it too much (my brother).

Cmen++ via Taco…IBarelyKnowHer for introducing herself by her nerd name.

And we sand “He’s Got A Dose Of Clap…” lead by GayMatthewsLamb.

Round 9:

GayMatthewsLamb via TubeCock for the longest lead in to a song…EVER!

And when one GM drinks so does RearEngineer, HolePatrol, LittleFuckingWinkie, and S&MMan.

NotInMyHair via CockMaster&Commander for getting all spruced up after trail.

And we sang “When It’s Incest Time In Texas…”

Round 10:

LittleFuckingWinkie via Tube Cock for matchie matchie…even his socks matched is hat for Christ’s sake.

PostMasterGenital via JuggStains for hat in circle…but he wasn’t in circle…so JuggStains drinks.

RubberRipper via HolePatrol for his racist attire.

And we sang “Whip It Out At The Ball Game…”

Round 11:

Shop&Fuck via HolePatrol for looking like a thirsty on-sect just like SonOfAGoatFucker.

UrineLuck via S&MMan for bragging about running the 800 in under two minutes.

JustJulie via GayMatthewsLamb for offering up that she suffers from resident angry bitch face syndrome.

And when one resting angry bitch face drinks so does Cmen++.

And when one virgin drinks so does JustJ.B. and JustAmy.

GayMatthewsLamb via AuschwitzHoleIsThat (Ok, enough already, I know how to spell Auschwitz) for calling it resident angry bitch face syndrome.

And we sand “Love Me Tender…”

Final Round:  FINALLY!

JustGabriel (UncleBadTouch) via HolePatrol for not being in circle nearly enough.

Lumby for not know who JustGabriel is…although nobody knows who that guy is.

HolePatrol for his anger issues.

And when one hare drinks so does TubeCock.

GayMatthewsLamb and UrineLuck via AfterSchoolDelight for their ever so gentle spooning session.

And we sang “FACE DOWN ASS UP…”

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

HolePatrol is looking for people to be racist with him by doing the West Philly Runners 26 x 1mile Relay Challenge Saturday May 16th

One year ago today in the closet of Bonner’s GayMatthewsLamb convinced AuschwitzHoleIsThat to make out with him.  And it is the greatest thing that has ever happened to him.  They are so fucking cute!  So we sang “Love Me Tender…”

RearEngineer is the GM of some lesser but still pretty fucking awesome Philadelphia Hash House Harriers and they are hosting the Philly Green Dress Run this Saturday.  Don’t miss it!

S&MMan will be day drinking tomorrow…er today…well it already happened so make sure you tell us all about it.

TitsOfSteel will be haring the Philly Hash next Saturday March 22nd at 2:30pm, pack off by 3:00pm.

The Green Dress Weekend doesn’t end with us, it only just begins.

Philly Full Moon Hash is hosting a pre-lube at Drinkers on 2nd and Market Street

Philly Phairweather Hash is hosting the Fat Boy Run on Sunday at noon at Dirty Frank’s…IT’S SHOWTUNE SUNDAY!

 

 

And so circle was closed and there was motor boating, ass to mouth, and the trying on of green dresses far too tight for physical pleasure…and we all rejoiced before heading over to BarebackMountains pad to make the night never end…this shit is just to fucked up for me to have made up on my own…ON-ON.

BFM #524 Checks Mix

Having enjoyed a mild weekend, Mr. Polar Vortex visited us as we gathered at South Philly Bar.  Barbara Bush, Just Maddy, and After School Delight were there when Flounder and I arrived.   Groundhog (Hedgehog) Lay introduced us to Just Roomate (Just Nick) and “his” virgin, Just Mike. Our fearless leader, Gay Matthew’s Lamb soon arrived with snow colored flour, followed by (in order of appearance) Commander Captain Crunch (Cockmaster and Commander), Ch-ch-ch-Chasez Boyz, C-men ++, Punani Puri, Manual Fiesta, Auschwitz Hole is That? (I had to ask her for help ‘Cause I’m not used to spelling Auschwitz), Hole Patrol, Tits O’ Steel, Just Andrew and Just Brianna (Semi-Virgins) with Virgin Virgins Just Matt and Just Ann(e?), Taco? I Barely Know Her, Side Show Boob, er, Bob Job, and additional Virgin Just Jeff.   I think Ms. Delight must have been prelubing for a while ‘Cause I overheard “You called me fat!” “You’re a big fat c@ck!” and “Tits for Beer!”  before most of us had a chance to finish downloading Twitter, or quaffing pre-trail beer.

Since we were in her hood, After School Delight volunteered to hare, accompanied by Barbara Bush (Babs).

At 8:00 Mr. Fiesta tried to herd the herd for chalk talk.  At 8:05 he came back in to try to herd the herd. ..  It was really cold outside, so the pack was a tad reluctant. Finally assembled, the Virgins were introduced (Groundhog Lay made them come one way or another), and the X F •  •  •  BN SN ? were ‘splain’d (by Ms. Steel) , before the dancing, jumping, really cold M. (Pants? Who needs pants? I’ll just do trail in my winter shorts) Fiesta sent us off.  Trail went something like this:

X                         X

   X                                    X

              #

  X                X

X                         X                  X

?                                                         X    

(“If they hadn’t made the chalk talk so big, they could’ve put some marks.”)  Until we somehow found ourselves in one of the row homes (G. L.) for shots of SoCo & Lime.  Lots of shots.  Then out the backdoor (so to speak) to find the SN in the alley.  Then suddenly there were actual marks, leading to many more Xs, crossing Washington, Broad, Washington . . .  Then,  ?  ?   into Ray’s Grumpy Birthday Bar, where we  all carded (“I’m older than you, probably.”) and took over the slightly less smoky back room for a round of Yuengling Premium.  Chasez Boyz must have been chasing boys, or stopped at Mickey D’s, ‘Cause he turned up late (better than never) for the BN  .  (“How did you find us?” “There’s an arrow.” The bartender had washed away the BN.  I can’t understand why he doesn’t like customers.)  Eventually, we r*n the last yards back to the ON IN . . .

where we were greeted by Hole Patrol requesting our Hash Cash, several Autohashers, and the welcome-ish sight of PBR Pounders, being used to “fill” cups for m.

Ms. Steel began with “What did everybody think…” “Ziggy zaggy, ziggy zaggy, oy, oy,oy.” <drink> “Can we have our Hares in circle.”  Enter After School Delight and Babs.  Trail was declared, too short, not cold enough, too many marks, not enough shot checks, and we all sang “S-H-I,  T-T-Y,  T-R-A-I-L”

Pay attention Virgins ‘Cause you’re next.  Enter:

 Just Ann(e?) and Just MattJust Brianna and Just Andrew made them come (semi-virgins whom Hedgehog/Groundhog Lay made come).
Just Jeff (Groundhog/Hedgehog Lay).  (Now I know why his name is “Groundhog Lay” R.I.P Harold Ramis.) ((Okay, that’s not the real reason, which I now know, but it’s a story he can tell his mother.  (See BFM # 523 GL bares his . . .  soul to an NPR correspondent)). We sang “We’ve Got Virgins,” (surprise, surprise)[ end parentheses].

Who were our First In(s) and Last In(s)?  Punani -Patrol /Side Show- Blindness.  (For some reason I didn’t write down and I don’t remember what we sang (‘Cause I’m old.) Maybe we were Born So Beautiful??) [I lied about the parentheses.]

Enter Autohashers: Taco (never left camp), He’s a Lesbian (HAL), Just Ozzie, Bareback Mountain, Semen on the Poopdeck, all of whom apparently have “a Small Dick…after all.”

Next  up, Comes Latelies: Just Maddy, HAL, Mr. Poopdeck, Side Show B J, and Bareback for the only verse of “Where, O Where Were You Last Hash?”

Accusations:
Chasez Boyz
for stopping at McDonald’s before the Beer Near
The Hares for not leaving any marks on (the first leg of) trail. 
Cause for Blindness
for trying to be cool and download Twitter from the Interwebs.
Side Show Bob Job for baring her midriff (is this not acceptable hash behavior(u)r?)
The Semi-Virgins and the Virgins for pointing/not warning about pointing (next week: New Shoes!)
“Down Down, Down your beer to pay for your crime, Quit complaining about the taste, there’s no sperm this time.”

Manual Fiesta for pointing
Cmen ++ for texting on trail (but she was talking to her grandmother when she espied  Punani and promptly joined trail.)
When one seaman drinks … S on the Poopdeck and Cockmaster and Commander (I learned something new today!)
Just Maddy for “wearing her uniform” (a green sweatshirt) and then
Punani Puri for not being able to tell “a Brit from a Mick.” (HAL’s words, not mine)
Why were they born so beautiful?

Hole Patrol and Punani Puri for skipping the beer near.
The Hares (Babs and Delight) for picking a smokey bar
Just Ozzie for something – maybe never r*nning trail, Just Shows Up at the Bar.
Some, none or all of whom may have enjoyed “Hot Vagina for your Breakfast.”

Hole Patrol, for announcing and GML, C++, ASD for potentially Overachieving Ass-Clowning.  “My Name is Jack”

At some point pre-virgin Just Dick (!) showed up to drink and schmooze with us.  I think Hedgehog Lay will have made him come.

Announcements:

This will happen:   2014 West Philly Runners 26 x 1mile Relay Challenge

And this will happen: Philly Green Dress Weekend – Weekend begins with BFM on Thursday, at Bonner’s, then Philly Full Moon on Friday, Drinker’s.  Green Dress R*n, Paddy Whacks on South Street,  The Liberty Bell Fat Boy/Hangover/Recovery Bloody Mary Fest at Dirty Frank’s.

 

Cause for Blindness

🙂

BFM #523 Virgins Winning and Losing the Hash

February 20th, 2014.  In Kiev people were dying for speaking out against a government teeming with corruption while here in the states a couple of guys sold a phone app for $19B which could have bought all of the Ukraine and still had enough left over to pay hash cash, beer checks, and on-after beer for the BFM forever (or maybe two weeks the way you lushes drink).  Since none of us could figure out how to create an app that would supply us with endless amounts of beer we thought we could show our support for those in the Ukraine by laying trail in a place almost certain to get at least one of us shot…West Philly.  So off we headed to, if not already a BFM favorite bar then certainly will be, Millcreek Tavern.  Those of us who came out on such a lovely break in the weather of the winter of our undescendable balls included:

Gay Matthews Lamb, Chases Boyz, Horney Hands, Chorizo Curtains, Groundhog Lay, Splashback, Just Angie, Just Alicia, C-Men++, Lump Neck Muncher, Wishboner, Cock Master and Commander, Chef Boy or Horse, Softcore Analyst, Manual Fiesta, Hole Patrol, Just Deborah, Just Nick (Virgin), Radar (Auto), Just Joel, Tits of Steel, Just Dick (Virgin), Just Ozzie (Auto), Shop & Fuck, and Just Ryan with his huge, stiff, black…microphone?

Who the fuck is Just Ryan?  Oh, he’s the guy from NPR who is doing a piece on the BFM and hashing.  So we were all greeted by his big, fuzzy, hard, battery operated microphone and one by one we fell prey to his interrogations (and possibly tagged for future oppression much like those over in the Ukraine).  I couldn’t help but notice how some of our hashers seemed to bask in the attention that was being heaped upon them by Just Ryan.  If he had hung around longer than just chalk talk I am pretty sure he would have gotten at least a handy (and that’s just from me).  But the competitive spirit was strong in the pack as we all eagerly awaited Team USA to beat the shit out of those fucking Cunucks (and with two amazing last minute goals Team USA won the game and our hearts…my trash, so shut the fuck up).  So without our token Canadian with which to whip on we all eagerly drew straws.  Cock Master and Commander, who was just back from doing a tour in Afghanistan, was rewarded for his bravery with having to go back into a war zone as the hare.  Our GM thought that sending CM&C out alone to be shot on the streets of West Philly after surviving Afghanistan was not very kind so he decided to get shot with him by co-haring (TWO WEEKS IN A ROW AS HARE! OVER ACHIEVING ASS CLOWN!).

So Tits of Steel and Manual Fiesta lead Chalk Talk while Just Ryan recorded our discretions with much mortification and regret realizing he would have to edit his copious recordings down to about ten seconds of censored sound bites.  But soon we were off on…

TRAIL:

Our Chalk Talk true trail pointed us south as we all cringed with the fear that death would soon be upon us.  After a couple of blocks we were well checked at 42nd and Woodland as the pack spread out down the streets scratching their heads until somebody finally decided to try the stairs into the courtyard of the U. of Sciences campus where trail lead us to a 43rd St. check which went north (away from certain death…and we all rejoiced).  We were then greeted by an early true trail west on Chester Ave before being BC2 to the north side of Clark Park which then lead us north up 44th St.  We then got checked on Osage Ave.  The hare must have decided that he witnessed enough bombings in Afghanistan as trail continued north instead of heading down Osage with its history of its own bombings.  A couple of blocks further north and we got checked on Spruce where trail went East (and relative safety) through all kinds of urban shiggy (unshoveled sidewalks and huge patches of melting ice).  We were again checked at 42nd St. where trail went north and was kindly marked by the pack using twigs.  A block later we were checked again and went East on Locust before getting BC4 to an incredibly tight and worrisome alley south.

It was at this point that our virgin, Just Dick (seriously it is like he came with a built in hash name already) yelled out, “Fuck that!  It’s bullshit.  Shouldn’t they put an X there?”  Oh virgin, how soon you will learn.  The seedy alley, with all its potential for leading to my losing of my anal virginity, lead us out onto Spruce and a true trail east.  I stopped there to note this mark as I looked across the street at the rest of the pack going west on Spruce having ignored the great big true trail I was standing next to.  Oh well, fuck’em.  While I was standing there a winded Chorizo Curtains came up and said she saw the hare over on Locust heading towards Penn’s Locust Walk but couldn’t catch him.  Damn military conditioned hare.  Off she went to go see if she could short cut while I stuck around to see if the pack would ever right itself, which it did and then got checked at 39th and Spruce which as foreseen by CC went north towards the Locust Walk and continued past all the confused coeds right on to the BEER NEAR!  Cavanaugh’s University City, a hash friendly BFM favorite.

And there was much drinking of the frothy brew.  We rejoiced and made merry as we were all in good spirits from the pleasant weather and lack of bodily harm on trail.  A particularly muscled gentleman with overly gelled hair and a wide open button down shirt provided much entertainment as he eye fucked his waitress in a most lascivious way.  It was so shameful I almost asked him to join the hash.  It was during this entertainment that Hole Patrol was poking fun of Chorizo’s neon hot pink necklace all while Wishboner was retrieving Hole Patrol’s which he had just unknowingly dropped on the ground.  Karma?  Soon we were out again into the night going north to a check on Chestnut and got fucked going west before finding trail east and then BC2 to 38th St. where trail went South to another BC that lead us to the 1920 Commons Bridge where the pack stood around for quite some time as we couldn’t figure out where trail went since it obviously couldn’t go west cause that would have crossed trail…but of course it did go west where the hares narrowly skirted crossing trail before giving up and dropping an ON-IN recognizing that they were fucked if they didn’t.  And so we triumphantly made our way in for…

CIRCLE:

HARES:  Cock Master and Commander with Gay Matthews Lamb who used too much flour on trail, didn’t find enough icy patches or rapey alleys, had too few checks and definitely not enough back checks, in a neighborhood that was far too safe and in weather that was way too comfortable.   We sang S-H-I-T-T-Y T-R-A-I-L…

VIRGINS:  We were provided two new studs which had all the harriets quivering with delight.  Just Nick (Groundhog Lay made him cum) and Just Dick (seriously that is just perfect) the fireman who was sitting at the bar when we came in (Lumpy made him cum because who could resist her).  NOT Just Ryan cause he didn’t do trail and thus did not lose his virginity.  And seconds after being introduced the RA’s fucked up the intro multiple times getting ziggy zaggied until eventually they lead us in Back Against the Wall…

FIRST IN/LAST IN:  The virgin, Just Dick, the fireman who was sitting at the bar just off of a 24hr shift and with already a few drinks in him with his work shoes on was first in…we really are a bunch of fat lazy bastards.  Last in was the virgin Just Nick as he came in with the super hot and sexy trio of Splash Back, Just Alicia, and Just Angie (well played, virgin, well played).  We muscled our way through Doe Ray Me as Tits of Steel insisted the song started on Ray.

VISITORS:  Sooner or later somebody is going to come visit us.

AUTO HASHERS:  See Above…but Radar actually left before we got back for circle so it was Just Ozzie, back from training for the next winter Olympics for the skeleton with the bruises and all, all by himself.  We sang It’s A Small Dick After All…

CUMS LATELY:  Just Deborah (she cums in from way out in the suburbs where they got like 60in of snow and are still digging out…get a snow blower), Cock Master and Commander (some bullshit story about having been deployed when really he was just trying to get laid before he “shipped off” and couldn’t come back until enough time passed to make it believable), and Just Joel (I am still waiting to hear his excuse).  We sang Where Were You Last Week…

ACCUSATIONS:

ROUND ONE:  Just Angie, Just Alicia, Lumpy and Wishboner for not already being hot enough as it is that they had to impersonate Auto Hashers by getting dressed up in sexy non-running attire when less clothes would have been better (and Just Alicia even put on perfume…which smelled amazing compared to rankness of the rest of the sweaty hash).  Shop & Fuck for not having a beer before chalk talk.  Horney Hands for soliciting NPR to advertise for the BFM.  Hole Patrol for all his rules when there are no rules in hashing.  And when one soulless ginger drinks so does Just Ozzie, Wishboner, Chases Boyz, Chef Boy or Horse and Tits of Steel.  Just Dick for yelling, “I WON THE HASH” after being first in.  And when one virgin drinks so does Just Nick (we were working hard on getting these virgins hammered so we could have our way with them).  And we sang Roll Back My Foreskin…

ROUND TWO:  Horney Hands for trying to convince Chorizo Curtains that he might be her father…while hitting on her.  Just Nick for attempting to shove his cup up his ass instead of tipping it over his head after his virgin down down song.  And when one virgin drinks so does Just Dick.  And even though Just Nick should have paid better attention when instructed on what to do by Tits of Steel and Manual Fiesta (although they fucked that shit up and probably should have drank for this accusation also), Groundhog Lay should have told him what to do before the hash so he drank too.  Chorizo Curtains for being so “Polish-ed”.  We sang What A Wank, What A Wank…

ROUND THREE:  Just Dick for racist behavior for “winning the hash”.  And when one racist drinks so does Hole Patrol and Shop & Fuck for trying to break Groundhog Lay’s spirit at the end of the trail.  Softcore Analyst for bringing all the crappy weather with him.  We sang Would You Like A Finger In Your…

ROUND FOUR:  Just Angie and Just Alicia for acting like the hash wasn’t hard enough.  Oh…and remember earlier when Hole Patrol lost his necklace while bitching about other people’s pink necklaces…it was now that Wishboner brought that up.  Chases Boyz made some sort of nonsensical accusation to Chorizo Curtains about taunting traffic…so they both drank.  Just Joel for looking like a thirsty bastard.  We sang Dinah Won’t You Blow Me…

ROUND FIVE:  Just Nick for not being able to hold his liquids and needing to take a pee break mid circle.  Gay Matthews Lamb for his constant over achieving by being prepared with flour and straws and haring and promising to set bars three weeks in advance and doing an awesome job as GM.  And when one hare drinks so does Cock Master and Commander.  We sang She Likes It In The Kitchen…

FINAL ROUND:  Just Deborah for asking Hole Patrol early in the week if he was going to be hashing this week when Hole Patrol doesn’t even know what he will be doing in two hours.  Lumpy for relative insanity.  Just Angie and Just Alicia for looking bored.  We sang When It’s Incest Time In Texas…

ANNOUNCEMENTS:

Chases Boyz got a rego for Stink-O De Mayo the weekend of May 5th…see, dreams really do cum true.

The Inter-Americas Hash in Portland is down to less than 300 regos left (it is capped at 1,500) and they will most likely sell out soon so better get one now and help the more than 15 BFM friends and family represent.  Registration is up on HashSpace at https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16946&cat=256 for Labor Day weekend 2015.

Philadelphia Green Dress Run is March 15th.  Registration is up on HashSpace at https://store.hashspace.com/product.php?productid=16996&cat=256&page=1 for the Saturday trail and on-after.  We will be Pre-lubing Thursday with the BFM, Friday with the Philly Full Moon and then a fat boy pub crawl on Sunday morning with the Liberty Bell/Philly Phair Weather Hash.

The Philly Hash has the next several trails scheduled so come out and see how they do it on the other side.  Check it out www.phillyhash.com every Saturday pack is off by 3pm.

BFM 524 will be at the South Philly Bar and Grille.  So while this isn’t a full three weeks of bars being posted in advance, it is progress.

Overheard at the Hash is on Twitter @bfmh3 so you can read it as it happens.

And so Manual Fiesta and Tits of Steel closed yet another entertainingly chaotic circle.  There was much rejoicing and singing of Jesus Saves and dancing.  The last of us didn’t leave until 1am.  We got loud, we got sloppy, we got fun!

STATISTICS:  52 down down BEERS downed.  24 Total Hashers.  14 straight up studs and me.  9 stone cold foxy ladies.  12 songs sung.  6 gingers.  2 Virgins.  2 Fuck ups by the RA’s (Only two?  I really was a terrible RA wasn’t I).  1 member of the media.  0 shootings.  0 apps created.  0 Candadians.

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