BFM #478 – I Wear My Sunglasses At Night

I looked up the lyrics of this song. At first, they made no sense; they were just a bunch of words strung together. Upon further review, they still made no sense. It was something about a girl deceiving a guy wearing sunglasses which allow him to see the deception but he doesn’t care because she has control over him. A bunch of words strung together. Have I mentioned that I’m an engineer and not a poet? If I were a singer/songwriter, my music would probably focus on bodily functions or women. Or maybe both… (with a rusty spoon anyone?)

Anywho, most of the BFM sported sunglasses or many different varieties. I honestly can’t remember who wore what considering this trash is about 6 months late. I’m pretty sure there were a few harriers/harriettes doing their best Corey Hart impression.

Those who came: Rear engineer, Uncle Bad Touch, Semen on the Poop Deck, He’s A Lesbian, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Cock Cock Who’s There?, Just Suzanne, Splashback, Just Emma, Sideshow BobJob, Shop n Fuck, Hole Patrol, S&M Man, Manual Fiesta, C-men++, Tits of Steel, Chases Boyz, Horny Hands, Not In My Hair, Just Deborah, Son of Goat Fucker, Just Steven, Midnight Tranny to Georgia, Just Emily, One Inch In

Midnight Tranny had volunteered to hare trail before even showing up to the hash. And Shop n Fuck was on a mission to get the pack out on time. So, MTtG headed out to lay trail at 7:55, chalk talk was called at 7:57, and the pack was off promptly at 8:00. This was fairly impressive. So impressive that Cmen++ showed up at 8:03 and wondered where the pack was.

During Chalk Talk, we welcomed our new virgin, Just Emily, in the rain. Shop n Fuck went at a snail’s pace explaining the marks while the mob started to get wet and cold. Eventually we were off!

Trail meandered south and eventually east through queen village via good trail down alleys, across streets, and in totally random directions. It was enough to keep the entire pack together. I’m fairly certain that Cause was at the middle of the pack for most of trail. Well, until the on-in at least. The mob eventually got to Front St and headed north after checking in every single “normal” direction the pack goes. After some back and forth on 2nd and 3rd, we went past several potential BNs such as Drinker’s and Sugar Moms. Since there was no BN at chalk talk, the pack figured that this was just a cruel tease. I believe the comment was, “Ah, typical Rear trail laying.” But to our surprise, after a quick oopdioop to the north, we arrived at Lucy’s Hat Shop for some watered down meisterchow. (I tried to find a clip of the scene from PCU where Droz is going on about having a party, but youtube doesn’t have a large collection of clips from college cult classics of the 90s. And now I feel old.)

After the BN, Midnight informed us that he was out of flour already. So, he used someone’s chalk to lay a mostly straight back trail as per the BFM norm established during the Gynocracy era.


Hares: Midnight Tranny to Georgia

Virgins: Just Emily (Manual Fiesta made her cum)

Vistors/Transplants: None as far as I’m concerned. Although Not In My Hair seems to think he’s a visitor.

First In: Hole Patrol

Last In: Cause for Blindness

Cums Latelies: Several half-minds including yours truly.

Auto Hashers: Semen on the Poop Deck, Manual Fiesta, Tits of Steel, Just Emma (only autohasher dressed in non-running attire).


• Just Deborah for forgetting the BFM’s name.
• Manual Fiesta for a race-ist T-shirt.
• Chases Boyz for paying his parking meter while on trail.
• Tits of Steel for wearing running clothes and autohashing
• Hole Patrol for extreme over achieving ass clownery – he got lost on the way back after sprinting on in, only to meet back up with the pack as they got back.
• Just Deborah for thinking Horny Hands had a race-ist t-shirt on
• Side Show Bob Job for a poor Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep impersonation
• Rear Engineer for putting his hand up and not putting out
• Shop n Fuck for not beating off twice to someone (notes are scribble)
• He’s a Lesbian for knowing who Jacqueline Bisset is and having her picture on his phone.
• Tits of Steel for not bringing the Back Street Boys to the hash
• Hole Patrol for being jealous of Tits of Steel getting to hang out with the Back Street Boys
• He’s A Lesbian for trying to get all the girls wet
• Shop n Fuck for not showing off his tick bite (which was followed with an all the girls who got wet looking at said tick bite drink)
• He’s A Lesbian for making motorists horny
• S&M for having a “going away” party and he’s still here.
• Hole Patrol for looking like “Hitler’s wet dream” (Thank you HAL)
• One Inch In for autohashing late
• Cock Cock for losing her license on trail. Due to the egregiousness of this crime against the hash, Cock Cock was given a giant mystery shot for her down down. The best guess for what it was: Roofie Colada Cement Mixing Mind Eraser
• He’s A Lesbian, Midnight Tranny, and Rear for matching goatees
• S&M Man for giving us a ton of new songs and then leaving the city.
• Everyone not wearing sunglasses drank.
• Uncle Bad Touch for sporting a bowling shirt, which was determined later to be a hash shirt. It was too late as UBT had already done his down down.
• Just Deborah received a side-side for her birthday that happened at prom but didn’t tell anyone.


• Tuesday July 2nd – PH3 July 4th Pre-lube hash – Tits of Steel, pay as you go, Cherry St Tavern, 6:30pm (You missed it)
• S&M is having a “Lick Your Ginger” party after circle. (You missed it.)
• Rear has “ON-ON” foot stickers available for $2. (Still have them)

Circle ended at 9:37pm. Shop n Fuck was quite proud of this. 3 mile trail, beer check, and circle in an hour and 37 minutes. It ended so early, in fact, that S&M man had to tell everyone to wait at the bar until 10:30 so he could get ready before they could come over for his after party. It probably had a little to do with the fact that the mob didn’t get lost on trail at all.

Overheard at the hash:

Just Emily: “The reason Manual Fiesta didn’t run trail is because I locked his keys in his car.”

Unk Hasher: “I’ve done her before; she knows me.”

Cock Cock Who’s There?: “I don’t need him to get wet.”

On On,
Rear Engineer

BFM #478 A Brown Note

I give you fair warning that what follows below may be full of inaccuracies and grammatical horrors. I am not a writer, nor do I make any claim to knowing how to write. Or read. I’m an engineer. I engineer. And this is my first trash ever.

I’d like to start off by saying that whoever’s bright idea it was to give Just Victoria (broken glasses) the horn, I applaud you.

Those who came: Tube Cock, Uncle Bad Touch, Semen on the Poop Deck, He’s A Lesbian, Just Kim, Cause for Blindness, Flounder, Just Victoria (small glasses), Just Victoria (broken glasses), Just Suzanne, Just Kay, Just Rich, Splashback, Just Kristen, Just Emma, Sideshow BobJob, Cootchie Monster, Boobittarius, Whiny Little Bitch, Just dude, Can You Hear Me Now?, Chef Boy or Horse, Gay Matthews Lamb, Shop n Fuck, Hold the Sausage, Taco? IBKH, Just Matt, Where’s My Vagina, Hole Patrol, Jewbacca, Just Josh, S&M Man, Cleavage to Beaver, Manual Fiesta, C-men++, Tits of Steel, 69th Amendment, Bareback Mount-Me, Just Catherine, Just Jen, and a bunch of fire-fighters in a pear tree.

After the hares had been gone for well over 10 minutes, our illustrious RAs called Chalk Talk! and the mob reluctantly meandered outside into the somewhat stiff chilly breeze. Our RA Gay Matthews Lamb, wearing a “Cunt” t-shirt, standing in front of the Kinky Sex Store, welcomed our one virgin Just Kristen which Splashback made cum. After the virgin was welcomed, GML attempted to explain the marks. The mob squawked loudly about how GML had missed visitors, which turned out to be one visitor, but he was a transplant, but we already welcomed him in a previous week… With an “Are you f*cking kidding me?!” face on, GML ignored the mob and turned back towards the marks and continued with chalk talk.

Hole Patrol quickly announced that trail went west since he had just arrived from that direction. With a note from our new horn Just Victoria (glasses, temporarily broken), the pack was off.

Trail went east on market, then south on 3rd, east on chestnut. At this point, I realized Chases Boyz had either not saw my note of the BFM FB site or will be completely ignoring it. I begged for the hare to use chalk if we were to go through Independence Hall area. But my warning was not heeded as trail went right through the park behind Carpenter’s Hall and the second bank of the US. At that point, ChBz spared me a panic attack and went around Independence hall on Walnut towards Washington Square. After the Mob got briefly turned around in the park, we found trail heading south on 6th, east on Pine, then south on 7th, where we hit an obvious check on South St. Chases Boyz had informed everyone earlier that he had a friend in town and wanted to hare and take them past Independence Hall and some touristy things. With this tidbit, I immediately knew we were going east on South St. What I didn’t know is how far down South St with nary a mark or check. Well, I take that back. There was one blob of flour and an arrow in 4 blocks, then finally and arrow pointing down third to a much deserved BN at The Irish Times. Chases Boyz blamed Shop n Fuck for being right on his ass. Sexful.

The mob rolled in as we do and began to annoy the bartender and some of the patrons. Although, most of the patrons were more curious about why a bunch of loud, sweaty, smelly, obnoxious people just rolled in and surrounded them. The couple at the bar actually decided to go have a couple cigarettes since killing themselves with lung cancer sounded like a better idea then listening to He’s A Lesbian regale them with tales of standing in a freezing cold river holding hands with a bunch of other like-minded folks that can’t find anything better to do.

Surprisingly, Cause found the BN before even half the pack could get a beer. And she didn’t complain about no marks, checks not being marked, trail not being marked well enough, not enough checks, too many checks, not enough marks, marks aren’t visible, didn’t tell her where the BN was, etc. It must have been opposite night. Especially because the pack was drinking Harp and other tasty selections rather than the normal swill the mob is accustomed to, such as Genny Cream Ale, Narrrrragananananset, Shafer’s, Schlitz, Hamm’s, Colt 45, Pabst, Natty Bo, or whatever Dancing Fool happened upon in an alley somewhere (just blow the cigarette ash off! It’s fine!), etc.

With a boisterous toot of the horn (not a euphemism), Just Victoria (glasses, not wearing them, broken) got the Mob started back out in the cold windy night. The Mob walked outside and decided to go south. While writing down my observations, I started walking east, the quite obvious trail direction… Trail headed east on Bainbridge towards front, then meandered up front. In one of the parking lots near Lombard, trail must have turned, because I never saw the pack or marks again. Tube Cock and I decided to take the shortest distance back to the beer instead of finding the last bit of trail that was more than likely going to the same place.

The Mob finally got back and, like swallows returning to Capistrano, flocked downstairs once they were told that the beer was down there. With most of the pack downstairs and getting antsy, GML called Circle! But a loud cry from the back stated that the down downs weren’t set up yet, so we were told to go back to drinking for a few minutes. After a long period of time passed where I had Uncle Bad Touch uncomfortably (when is it ever comfortable?) touching me and Taco? on the Gossip Girls bench, circle finally begun.


Hares: Chases Boyz & Just Kim

Virgins: Just Kristen (Splashback), Fire-Fighter Goodwin (in spirit), Fire-Fighter Roady, Fire-Fighter Danny Camacho (cunt makes him cum), Fire-Fighter Nick, Fire-Fighter Rick (Tim made him cum), Fire-Fighter Tim (Rick made him cum), and a couple other Fire Fighters that I didn’t catch their names.

Vistors/Transplants: Definitely none. The Mob is sure this time.

First In: He’s A Lesbian

Last In: Cause for Blindness

Cums Latelies: Several half-minds including yours truly.

Auto Hashers: Bumble Beaver, Hold the Sausage, Just Emma, Just Kay, Boobittarius, 69th Amendment, Just Jen, Just Catherine, all the fire-fighters, among others.


• Tits of Steel for covering up something. (can’t read note, tits maybe)
• Chases Boyz & Just Kim for laying trail in what must have been “white gold” (Cleavage’s accusation, ask her) since there were very few marks.
• CYHMN for looking like a creepy homeless guy
• Shop n Fuck for a bad accusation and Uncle Bad Touch for an even worse accusation that was dubbed a Cause accusation. Side note: Cleavage wanted to me to write down some long sentence about something about this accusation but due to hangover I can’t remember even what it was about.
• Whiny Little Bitch for whining about a harriette getting named before him and he was here longer. (and when one asshole wearing bright yellow drinks rule)
• Shop n Fuck for not massaging Tits’ tits?
• Uncle Bad Touch for April Firth. (I don’t know, that’s what I wrote down)
• Cause for flashing

LOST CONTROL is sung. Hilarity ensues. Hashers in the back start eyeing up the tacos that keep showing up.

• Uncle Bad Touch for a headgear violation for his on-on sunglasses (really?)
• At this point all the fire-fighters were brought in and sung Meet the Hashers
• Fire-Fighters for really being male strippers (which was followed by the fire-fighters putting on a “show”)
• Just Victoria (glasses, broken but getting them back soon) for something about a brown note
• Boobitarrius for something, no idea. Drunk scribble is hard to read.
• Just Nick for calling her something (on-sec is hard, why did I sign up for this and why did you vote for me?)
• Cootchie Monster and Sideshow BobJob for some false accusation.
• Tits of Steel for tech on trail
• Uncle Bad Touch for losing Tits of Steel’s phone
• All the women for ovulating at the site of the beefy fire-fighters
• Just Eric for mouthful of taco in circle
• Just Victoria (glasses, big, broken) for giving UBT a rusty trombone. (Yikes)
• Just Rich for not knowing how lady parts work and taking advice from He’s A Lesbian. (There was a full explanation about how women don’t “ovulate” when beefy fire-fighters walk in the room)
• Sideshow Bob Job and Just Victoria for not finishing their tasty beverages at the BN
• Rear Engineer for accusing the hares or RAs and they were already in circle.


• Next Friday is Philly Full Moon H3 Beer Mile – Manayunk
• This Saturday is Philly H3, hared by Riverman and Chile in Gladwyne right on the river. Highly recommended trail and après. Bring swim trunks for afterwards and get a healthy dose of toxic waste and human feces in the Schuylkill River.
• Sat, April 20th – 3 Balls is haring Philly H3. Come out for great trail, great beer, and the barn!
• Slutty Crab is April 26th in MD. Look it up for details

With that, the hash continued on in its normal fashion. There were boobie smooshies, people making out, someone mentioned something about sex in the bathroom, the fire- fighters started losing more clothes, Bareback Mount-Me (nee Just Chad) took off his shirt per usual and the ladies swooned, etc. I high-tailed it out of there before I got sucked into the post circle black hole. You know what I’m talking about. You get sucked in and the next thing you know, you wake up in your office chair the next morning wondering how you got to work and where you parked the car. Anyway, judging by reading Cleavage to Beaver’s FB rants, the mob more than likely closed down the bar. That or she sliced off some pretty girl’s face and wore it like a mask and everybody ran for their lives. Either way, it was probably messy.

Overheard at the hash:

Just Catherine: “I can rest my chin on those pelvic nachos.” (What?)
Unk Hasher: “Or your teeth.”

Cootchie: “I had sex twice yesterday”
GML: “I had sex in the bathroom”

Just Victoria (glasses, but not tonight, just a horn): “I’m planning on not cleaning it. Ever. My dirty horn.”

Chases Boyz: “I saw him cumming.”
Just Victoria(no glasses) “Ew, you saw him cumming?!”
Chases: “Oh yeah! Money Shot!”

Just Victoria(horn): “I can’t control the sound that comes out of it.”

On On,
Rear Engineer

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