#522 – Winter storm Pax got us Institutionalized.

As the Hashers are wont to do, Folks gathered from near and mostly from within city limits because SEPTA shut down at 10 PM for some running and some drinking. The newly found location, THE INSTITUTE, was nuzzled between abandoned buildings and creepy parking lo or tennis/basketball courts in no-man’s-land 12th street north of Spring Garden.

Most of my evening before the hash was spent contemplating what cold-weather attire I should sport. The city was basically shut down, public transportation was spotty, and any attempts to walk or run or bike to the run’s start location would be wet. I put on my pearl necklace, four layer of shirts, colorful booty-shorts over spandex running pants, and quickly put batteries in my fleshflashlight. Snowstorm Pax was descending and I refused to take its shit.

Fast forward twenty minutes later, when I realized that it was warm enough to rain, I entered the Institute and stripped in front of my fellow hashers (who were not phased) and muggles (who were already freaked out that so many people wanted to come into the warm bar with its own fireplace just to leave again). Everyone else was much more prepared for the weather than I was, with slick rain gear and plastic bags over their feet. *Look who’s not an idiot!* was the name of the game, and I lost before I got there, everyone else lost when we went out for trail.

Trail was hared by the new GM Gay Matthews Lamb. He left before I got there, and we did not live for a significant period of time after I got there. What was the rush? There was beer, warmth, lovely autohashers — all the things to seduce a group of about-to-be-cold subhumans from leaving. The new RAs were very good about yelling at the top of their (Manual Fiesta’s) lungs to announce the timing of departure. A little too good. They made it seem like they were going to really step up to the plate and do some good for the BFM. When we finally exited the building, we realized this would not be the case. With a new Virgin (Just Janelle) in tow, this group of slip-sliding BFMers was greeted by a chalkless chalk talk and a meaningless explanation of chalk symbols, as if the Virgin was not going to be confused enough. Lucky for them, she was a good sport and was still able to giggle when she announced just Liz made her cum.

FOLLOW THE BLUE DOTS OF CARPENTERS CHALK THAT ARE SUPER SMALL BECAUSE NO ONE BROUGHT REGULAR CHALK TO MIX IT WITH, OH AND DON’T WORRY THAT THERE AREN’T A LOT OF MARKERS! OKAY! GO! — And so the reign of Gay Matthews Lamb began.

Remember how I said it was raining? We all looked like wet, stinky dogs. I felt like a wet, stinky god. Punani Puri was gracious enough to clean up my wet, stinky vomit from a few weekends back without giving me too much shit for it, but then he proceeded to give me a lot more shit for it as we bounced around the abandoned buildings, industrial warehouses, and creepy vacant tennis courts. I’ll buy you something better than the shit you fed me ;-). Barbara Bush, always keeping it classy and sometimes talking in the third person.  We hopped around the neighborhood, running on sidewalks that had not been shoveled or sometimes not even walked on before. We jumped over puddles, dunked our sneakers into FEET OF WATER, those GODDAMN LAKES AT THE CORNERS drowned our souls and coated our already black hearts with the grime of Philadelphia. Several people went swimming. The only big wipe out I saw was Just Janelle. Baby girl was damp. I’m talking up to the shoulder in water. It was gross to look at, it was vile to think about, and it must have been that much worse for her. Just Liz offered her the shirt off of her back to make up for such a terrible hash crash, but she was actually classy and graciously declined.

We snaked around the streets above Spring Garden, sprinted on ice not knowing if cars would stop or not, ducked under the old train tracks, only to find ourselves yogging down the bike lane heading east on SG. The puddles from the melting snow stretched out into the street. For those with better footing who did not swim in the street,there was true fear for any sound of a car and its promised tidal wave of puddle splash. We passed the street for my apartment as we went past 7th-6th-5th — this was getting way too long for a half frozen, fully drenched, Pax hash.

The Gleaming red lights of Silk City loomed in the distance and we all popped in, shouting 30 decibels louder than anyone else in the bar/diner/club/long closet. Snuggled at the bar with his PBRs was our newfangled GM. PBRs were passed around as the waitressed bumped into every single hasher sitting at the bar, standing in the aisle, sitting in the booth that we took over without asking, or sitting on someone else who was sitting in the booth that we took over without asking. There was a lot of apologizing for literally not moving out of the way for several painful, socially awkward seconds. Acceptable. Just Janelle was given a LOT OF SHIT for not taking Just Liz’s clean, mostly dry shirt. I was unsure if it was because everyone wanted her to be more comfortable, because they wanted her to feel welcome to the BFM, or because having two temporarily shirtless girls would be a lot more interesting… Sadly,  Cause for Blindness and Flounder were pronounced AWOL and an officially missing persons report was filed when they failed to show up at Silk City. GML assured us that he told them exactly where the beer check would be. Several of us thought he was lying, others speculated they went back to the first bar, and still others felt that they probably were making out in a dark ally along the way.

GML was pretty sneaky about trying to get out without us knowing where he would go next, only for him to run in front of the window in front of the booth that we had taken without asking, heading east. Since we knew where he was going, Afternoon Delight kept chit chatting and girl talking in the booth about our regular nonsense while everyone else talked about something that seemed deliriously funny. Groundhod Lay probably showed off the mangled fabric around his feet, which he dubbed a “sneaker.” Just Liz probably mentioned she does Teach for America. Punani Puri probably announced in greater detail that I, in fact, did puke at his house and was annoying for a wasted white girl. In other news, the rain outside was wet.

We shipped off when our RAs felt it was time, urging the most lingering group of hashers that they should take their gross wet bottoms out of the seats at the bar and off the cushions of the booth that we had taken without asking and let the nice people clean. No time was wasted actually looking for marks since we had seen where Gay was going, and when we saw the ON IN, some people praised God and the gods. Our misery would be over. Talk quickly devolved into the etiquette of bar footwear and weather or not it would be okay to take one’s shoes and/or socks off at the bar.
When we went upstairs and there were massive leaks coming from the ceiling, the only beers were shitty, and the only bartender was huddled mega cold because of the draft, many of us knew that the answer was Yes, one in fact Can go shoeless in the 6th largest city in America and still get service. In Febrrrrrruary. Above Spring Garden no-man’s land. Together.

 

SO, LIKE, WHO THE FUCK EVEN CAME TO THIS THING?

[] Tits of Steel [ ] Cause For Blindness [ ] After School Delight [ ] Hole Patrol [ ] Just Liz [ ] Gay Matthews Lamb [ ] Flounder [ ] Groundhogs Lay [ ] Urine Luck [ ] Manual Fiesta [ ] Auschwitz Hole Is That [ ] Chorizo Curtains [ ] Just Janelle virgin [ ] Barbara Bush (yes, I was there) [ ] Punani Puri [ ] Spare my finger [ ] Just Kathryn [ ] Tube Cock [ ] Broken Rod [ ] Shop & Fuck [ ] Semen on the poop deck

 

DID EVERYONE HAVE A GOOD TIME?

Fuck No. Gay Matthews Lamb hared and he sucked at it. The trail was wet and shitty, there weren’t enough boats and paddles on trail, and too many people felt comfortable and warm for it to be considered a snow hash. Shit, man.

WHO WAS FIRST IN AND WHO WAS LAST IN?

I think Urine Luck and Hole Patrol? Was first? I have no idea, I didn’t write it down because at the time Cause was supposed to be taking notes. She did take notes. But she took them on post-it notes smaller than my thumb. Most of the things she put down were cryptic — like L, CFB F.  Which would be Last in, Cause for Blindness and Flounder. I only know that because who else would be last in? But she didn’t have much of a choice because there was literally no more room on the itzy piece of paper. She once told me that her real-life job was moonlighting as an office professional, where I’m guessing she literally take notes for a living… But don’t ask me, it doesn’t make sense.

WAS ANYONE DUMB ENOUGH TO JOIN US FOR THE FIRST TIME?

Yes, my precious, we have a virgin. Just Janelle.
And she looked like a wet, stinky dog. She was much happier when she found out the next hash she comes to is free. We just want to get her hooked. We also want her to cum back when she showered so we have a better memory of her.

NO ONE WAS DUMB ENOUGH TO TRAVEL TO SEE US… this time….

WHO HASN’T BEEN HERE IN FUCKING FOREVER?

Cause for Blindness, I think she was on that list, and Urine Luck… Broken Rod… Punani Puri…. Maybe a couple other people.
The wet stinky dogs ate my homework that was written on baby-sized post-it notes in code that I didn’t come up with and cannot understand.

WHO CAME FOR BEERS BUT NOT FOR SWIMMING POOLS OF SNOW R*N-OFF ON EVERY STREET CORNER?

Semen on the Poop Deck, Just Kathryn, Spare My Finger, Broken Rod, Shop&Fuck, Chorizo Curtains, Tube Cock, and Auschwitz Hole Is That

WHAT SHITTY THINGS DID PEOPLE SAY ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE THEM DRINK THE BEERS??

Chorizo Curtains and Shop & Fuck for leaving
Broken Rod for calling the fire department on a day of Philly emergency (Who does that? What were you even doing?)
Gay, Chorizo Curtains, and S&F for hats in circle
Punani for wearing ski goggles on trail
Afternoon Delight for thinking that drinking before noon on a snow day is unacceptable.
Spare My Finger for being the only breakfast clubber at the party!
Hole patrol didn’t have enough sexy calf for circle, his beautiful legs were so covered it was unacceptable.
Barbara bush and just Liz and Urine Luck for not wearing shoes, or socks — yet we looked like hobbits, but beer also comes in pints!
Tits of steal for not knowing her twin was here (Hey Just Kathryn! Nice Tits-y looking hair!) – when one RA drinks all RAs drink.
Semen on the Poop Deck for turtleneck – just Liz and Manual Fiesta for also wearing a turtle neck.
Cause and flounder for not going to the beer check despite being told where to go
Barbara bush for not knowing manual already drank — just to get her stunt liver, Afternoon Delight.
For Punani Puri complaining that drunk people puke and really really annoying — not once but three times!! (DUDE, I’M SO SORRY!)
Cause for being too naked as she took her pants off and showed us her underthings upwards for 4 times. In the middle of circle.
Gay being called in for not knowing any songs and the current RAs knew so many more than he ever did. — Auschwitz Hole Is That the stunt liver drinks, and when one hole drinks -Hole Patrol!
Cause for only bringing teeny tiny post it’s on her first On-Sec
Broken rod for wearing sweats and not running
Punani for thinking Barbara didn’t earn her pearls (pff, bitch please.)
Some nonsense about songs where hole patrol ended up drinking and looking dumb, what actually happened is lost to time.
Urine luck for wearing pretty pretty Pittsburg hash necklace
Punani for talking about Son of a Goatfucker in circle, even though he moved at the end of the summer. (I’m sure he still looks thirsty…)
For Just Liz not wearing cuter boots, like last week where I, Barbara Bush, refused to tell her that she needed to wear running attire to AFM. (Oopsies! I didn’t know! Also, she got to bond with Cause for Blindness… oh wait, fuck, what have I done)
More Hole Patrol accusing the RAs — seriously WTF.
Tube Cock for wearing “the 2000s turtle neck” — waffle shirts.
Punani for being a fashion forward lumber jack
For ground hog lay for picking up sad girls at the Jewish museum — funeral crashing?– Auschwitz Hole Is That, as the resident Jew speaking on all things Jewish, says it’s acceptable. All Jews drink either way.

 

WHAT RANDOM STUPID BUT PROBABLY SUPER FUN THINGS DO PEOPLE WANT TO ANNOUNCE?

Do shots don’t get shot — tomorrow at urban saloon.  Aaaaaand, that already happened. I had a man to buy me dinner instead of dodging bullets. By the snap chats I got, I made the wrong choice.

Navy boat getting commissioned LDP March 1st penny’s landing, seaman will be wearing turtle neck

2/22 tutu hash! More info to come, hopefully someone says something in the Facebook group.

Tube cock’s balls are not salty.

Gay Matthews Lamb made his first official proclamation as GM that hole patrol is turning into cause

GayML is also going to be posting 3 weeks in advanced the hash locations, what an over achiever… So far that has not happened, but we have high hopes

Shop and Fuck is in control of the BFM twitter account and he will be wrecking havoc. You should follow @BFMH3

 

 

ON-ON!!

Barbara Bush

 

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