For the record, anything I write is a complete fabrication. All characters appearing in this or any other trash I have written are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
The BFM is the driving force behind hashing (and half assed hashing) in Philadelphia and the tri-state area. Yeah, I said it. I put forth this trash and the events of last night as proof of this statement. Last night was a love fest of astronomical proportions as all were gearing up for what is certain to be a Green Dress Run to top all Dress Runs which have proceeded. We drew a collection of eye candy from our own BFM bloodline as well as those from afar because we are awesome. I offer this list of studs on hand as proof of our virility and strength:
Sternum&Rectum (a film producing guru), LittleFuckingWinkie (his cock seeded the BFM), HornyHands (with firm yet gentle caress), CockMaster&Commander (built like GOD), ManualFiesta (the most charming mystery of girls desires and resident RA), RubberRipper (fastest rock musician on two feet and even capable of handling our hash horn), Flounder (dashing distinguished gentleman), UrineLuck (the most desired gigolo since Richard Gere…with a bigger cock), SoftCoreAnalyst (the sweetest man a woman could want to fuck), ChasezBoyz (the bad boy giving soulless gingers something to live up to), GayMatthewsLamb (dances like Travolta, sings like Sinatra, and responsible for all the good times), HolePatrol (The fastest mother fucker you will ever meet and our financial rock), TourDe’Puke (the legendary hasher of world renown), Vaginacologist (Plato, Aristotle, Socrates…morons), TubeCock (his cock IS that big…it isn’t the exchange rate), S&MMan (saves lives by day…our souls by night), SemenOnThePoopDeck (handsome sailor with a satisfied woman in every port), Taco…IBarelyKnowHer (with great size comes…a very pleased woman), DancingFool (saving the world every hour of every day), RearEngineer (the only reason a woman would swoon for George Clooney is they haven’t met Rear yet), BarebackMountain (making the 300 look like pussies), GroundhogLay (flashes a smile that makes women moist), and JustJ.B. (just met him and I can tell all the ladies can’t wait to meet him too), UncleBadTouch (Calif. can’t make this guy soft…especially when a woman is near), PostMasterGenital (Only his good looks outshine his drunken stupidity). NotInMyHair (we named him, he’s ours, don’t scorn us).
I offer this list of goddesses as proof of our beauty and wisdom:
TitsOfSteel (great tits, yes, and so much more and resident RA), WishBoneher (the sexy princess of punishment), Stacks (Queen of the BFM), LumpNeckMuncher (a bronze goddess, minx of the hash), ScoobyGoo (yeah, that was her…cause she parties like a rock star), JustDeborah (looking way too good not to be training for something), AfterSchoolDelight (those tits…THAT ASS!), JustJulie (a tasty new treat for the BFM), CauseForBlindness (don’t call her the matriarch as she’s got the tits of a 20 year old), JugStains (our brassy beauty), BarbaraBush (funny, foxy, and fine), HoldTheSausage (rocking the hard body, working it 30 days straight), ChorizoCurtains (Gorgeous brunette who draws all the boys attention), GrandfatherCock (whoa…where did she come from, so hot), Cmen++ (resting beautiful face is more like it), JustAlex (everyman’s wet dream), AuschwitzHoleIsThat (makes cute the new sexy), JustAmy (as much as the boys want her…HANDS OFF…that’s property of Taco). Seriously, I could masturbate to each and every one of these stone cold foxes and still find it in me to go a second round.
As each and every one of the aforementioned attendees entered the bar they were greeted with a rousing cheer as if we were all anticipating being regaled by a funny quip. There was a lot of hugging and shaking of hands and kisses on the cheek. We were god damn respectable. In fact it was the non-hashers at the bar that were loud and raucous for once. Those that were ready to brave the cold were bubbly with anticipation right up until they learned that Hole Patrol was our hare and worse yet, Tube Cock was co-haring. So as ManualFiesta chimed in with “Chalk Talk!” the pack was as willing to take off as an A320 Airbus was from Philadelphia International Airport. Even our Hash Horn RubberRipper was balking at the idea. But soon their spirits were revived as they learned that there would be BEER! Near and SHOTS! Near and an option to Turkey out of a long trail and so our Hash Horn did us proud and tempted fate by putting his lips to the cold horn metal.
Now I being of sound body and mind realized that the bar was warm, the food was good, and the BEER! Was quenching so I stayed in the bar with some of the sexiest harriets known to man. I am no fool…but I did see a Dancing Fool come strolling in the bar wearing a suit and tie and…dirty nasty hash sneakers, but far better dressed than I have ever been. Once again proof of how great the BFM is as it inspired even Dancing Fool to dress for our occasion. And even as the pack pranced off more hashers kept arriving because we are awesome.
So since I was not on trail I can only relate second hand what had happened from the three waves of people that came through the door prior to last in. The first wave crashed through the spring driven overly painted green bi-panel doors of Bonner’s speaking of cold weather, bullshit marks, and a Shot Check at Logan Square that while tasty left them feeling as though the shot was tasting them back (something about a gelatinous ball at bottom that felt like a tongue licking them back). Needless to say from there they got lost and just bounded on back in doubling the size of hashers at the bar.
The next wave of people that came galloping in were those that opted for the turkey trail that was positioned immediately after the first BEER! Near at Cherry Street Tavern. This group spoke of much of the same as the earlier wave with the exception of a bridge, getting fooled into believing 30th Street Station was a destination, and making tracks along the Schuylkill which was finally cleared of all the mess from this awful winter.
The third and final wave of people waltzed in like the walking wounded. Complaints of not seeing the turkey split as they would have taken that on-in, even more bridges, only having found salvation at BEER! Near Graces Tavern over at the end of the Grays Ferry Bridge, and being carded and booted from said tavern by a man with a very impressive mustache (see number 4) (is it possible that it was LittleFuckingWinkie that got carded and booted? What are you fucking new?).
So with everyone in and people already dancing to the tunes laid out by our temporary DJ, Lumpy the rousing call of HASH CASH was yelled out soon followed by CIRCLE UP! So as the 45 of us (wait, we lost WishBoneHer to “I have to work tomorrow”, Stacks to “You kids have fun”, Sternum&Rectum to “I have movies to produce”, BarbaraBush to “Taking selfies in front of traffic”, HoldTheSausage to “30 days in a row…can’t break the streak” and DancingFool to “Whatever it is that DancingFool does”), 39 of us piled in to the back room of Bonner’s and to the sounds of TitsOfSteel and ManualFiesta yelling:
HARES: HolePatrol gets the credit for this ever so warm, shiggy full, overly marked, bridgeless, debacle without enough beer checks. TubeCock didn’t help matters as he contributed to the first of his four trails this weekend (Overachieving Ass Clown Award). We sang “And the Hairs…”
FIRST IN LAST IN: Vaginacologist made his way in first as part of that first wave of lost hashers. RubberRipper our sad little hash horn was last in with CauseForBlindness on his arm. We sand “Meet the Hashers…”
VIRGINS: We definitely had some hot and sexy virgins join us this week…more proof of our growing greatness and dominance. We had sweet and sexy JustJulie (HolePatrol made her cum…so it’s like that is it?), hot mama JustAmy (Taco…IBarelyKnowHer made her cum…and he has living proof of this accomplishment), and JustJ.B (GroundhogLay made him cum in very dapper attire no less).
VISITORS: Because we are so grand, visitors for Green Dress needed to cum out two days early in order to be a part of our grandness. This included those from kennels almost as good as ours H5 (LumpNeckMuncher …so sexy, ScoobyGoo …still standing, and PostMasterGenital …who needs to learn that BEER! goes in him not on him and all over the floor), Summit (NotInMyHair …who needs to learn that he is a BFM not that Summit bullshit), San Francisco (UncleBadTouch …so dead to us), DCRH (S&MMan …at least he stayed close), LHV (GrandfatherCock …is there more like her where she came from?), and finally Takes It Up The Ass Every Wednesday (TourDe’Puke …our legend who of course would lead them all in song). We tried to sing “Oh There Are No Real Hashers At Penn State…) but it was shout down by all the Penn Staters in anticipation of where it was obviously going.
CUMS LATELYS: S&MMan (he was off saving lives or some shit down in MD where seriously, are they really all that worth saving?), RearEngineer (he was off GM’ing some other lesser hash from the Philadelphia region), JustDeborah (have you seen her? She is obviously training for something long distance…racist), RubberRipper (he was off trying to learn how to get us all out of jail where we all will be after Green Dress this weekend), LitteFuckingWinkie (he was off not wanting to take credit for the awesomeness that we have become). We sang “Oh Where Oh Where Were You Last Week…”
AUTO HASHERS (also known as the smartest and warmest hashers): RearEngineer, ChorizoCurtains, Taco…IBarelyKnowHer, JustAmy, AuschwitzHoleIsThat, GroundHogLay, AfterSchoolDelight, JustJ.B., Shop&Fuck, and BarebackMountain. We sang “A Sol A Sol A Soldier I Will Be…”
HolePatrol via ManualFiesta for what was an outrageously long trail on a mindnumbingly cold night.
LittleFuckingWinkie via RearEngineer for five year spans between hashes…way too long for cum lately.
RubberRipper via ChorizoCurtains for resting his “horn” on her shoulder and still falling off the chair despite being completely sober.
CauseForBlindness via NotInMyHair for her halfway through trail ordering a sandwich in order to survive the length of the epic journey.
NotInMyHair via AuschwitzHoleIsThat for thinking that all Jews look alike and mistaking her for CumTestDummy.
And we sang “Hot Vagina For Breakfast…”
GayMatthewsLamb via S&MMan for sporting the Kid N Play hairdo.
RubberRipper via TitsOfSteel for not being horny enough on trail.
And we sang “24 Hours To Go…:
GayMatthewsLamb via ChasezBoyz for letting somebody do it in his ear.
UrineLuck via HolePatrol for eating soup on trail…which was only the second half of his meal.
CockMaster&Commander via ManualFiesta for his racist behavior of running fast or in some event or something.
UncleBadTouch via ChorizoCurtains for trying to look all innocent in the corner…we know what you’re up to.
HolePatrol via AuschwitzHoleIsThat for having to drink what the waitress gave him in free BEER!
And we sang “I Love My Girl…”
TubeCock via HolePatrol for wearing SemenOnThePoopDeck ‘s turtleneck sweater.
And when one hare drinks so does HolePatrol.
And when one turtleneck wearer drinks so does JustJ.B. and Flounder.
And we sang “Can’t Hear Your Safe Word…” lead by S&MMan.
AfterSchoolDelight via GayMatthewsLamb for being on video saying, “My mom will be so proud of this three way.”
JustAmy via HolePatrol for not coming out and drinking with us all year.
Taco…IBarelyKnowHer via GayMatthewsLamb for proving that he didn’t just magically procreate his two sons on his own.
UrineLuck via AfterSchoolDelight for getting upset that after he gave her his phone and his password and not thinking she was going to send all kinds of shit to everybody in his contacts list.
And we sang “He’s The Meanest…”
GayMatthewsLamb via NotInMyHair for after losing UrineLuck on trail going out and finding him.
UrineLuck via Vaginacologist for having a picture of a hairy ass on his phone…oh, correction, two hairy asses and a hair dick.
TubeCock via RearEngineer for assisting on all the trails this Green Dress Weekend.
And when one baldy drinks so does TourDe’Puke.
Vaginacologist via ChorizoCurtains for complaining about hair asses when he is sporting one of the hairiest.
RearEngineer via HolePatrol for bailing on all the trails this year leaving us with TubeCock to do the job.
And we sang “My Vagina Has A First Name…”
JuggStaings via AuschwitzHoleIsThat for now knowing how to spell vagina.
JustJ.B. via AfterSchoolDelight for watching porn, which is obviously acceptable hash behavior otherwise I would have been kicked out ages ago…so AfterSchoolDelight drinks.
UncleBadTouch via Taco…IBarelyKnowHer for stating he has to pace himself this weekend after what he did last weekend at WIE. San Francisco has made him soft…so disregard what I said earlier.
SemenOnThePoopDeck via JuggStains for clogging the toilet and then drawing a cartoon dick to show how to drain it.
And we sang “Get It Up Get It In Now Here’s Your Cab Fair…” lead by S&MMan.
RubberRipper was made to drink from his hash horn for failing to blow it on trail. BEER! was contributed by all.
TitsOfSteel via CauseForBlindness for looking thirsty.
And when one RA drinks so does ManualFiesta.
And when one soulless ginger drinks so does ChasezBoyz.
LittleFuckingWinkie via CauseForBlindness for messing up his ban on her for life from being on-sect.
BarebackMountain via AuschwitzHoleIsThat for claiming he can’t run because of a groin injury when that injury is obviously from spanking it too much (my brother).
Cmen++ via Taco…IBarelyKnowHer for introducing herself by her nerd name.
And we sand “He’s Got A Dose Of Clap…” lead by GayMatthewsLamb.
GayMatthewsLamb via TubeCock for the longest lead in to a song…EVER!
And when one GM drinks so does RearEngineer, HolePatrol, LittleFuckingWinkie, and S&MMan.
NotInMyHair via CockMaster&Commander for getting all spruced up after trail.
And we sang “When It’s Incest Time In Texas…”
LittleFuckingWinkie via Tube Cock for matchie matchie…even his socks matched is hat for Christ’s sake.
PostMasterGenital via JuggStains for hat in circle…but he wasn’t in circle…so JuggStains drinks.
RubberRipper via HolePatrol for his racist attire.
And we sang “Whip It Out At The Ball Game…”
Shop&Fuck via HolePatrol for looking like a thirsty on-sect just like SonOfAGoatFucker.
UrineLuck via S&MMan for bragging about running the 800 in under two minutes.
JustJulie via GayMatthewsLamb for offering up that she suffers from resident angry bitch face syndrome.
And when one resting angry bitch face drinks so does Cmen++.
And when one virgin drinks so does JustJ.B. and JustAmy.
GayMatthewsLamb via AuschwitzHoleIsThat (Ok, enough already, I know how to spell Auschwitz) for calling it resident angry bitch face syndrome.
And we sand “Love Me Tender…”
Final Round: FINALLY!
JustGabriel (UncleBadTouch) via HolePatrol for not being in circle nearly enough.
Lumby for not know who JustGabriel is…although nobody knows who that guy is.
HolePatrol for his anger issues.
And when one hare drinks so does TubeCock.
GayMatthewsLamb and UrineLuck via AfterSchoolDelight for their ever so gentle spooning session.
And we sang “FACE DOWN ASS UP…”
HolePatrol is looking for people to be racist with him by doing the West Philly Runners 26 x 1mile Relay Challenge Saturday May 16th
One year ago today in the closet of Bonner’s GayMatthewsLamb convinced AuschwitzHoleIsThat to make out with him. And it is the greatest thing that has ever happened to him. They are so fucking cute! So we sang “Love Me Tender…”
RearEngineer is the GM of some lesser but still pretty fucking awesome Philadelphia Hash House Harriers and they are hosting the Philly Green Dress Run this Saturday. Don’t miss it!
S&MMan will be day drinking tomorrow…er today…well it already happened so make sure you tell us all about it.
TitsOfSteel will be haring the Philly Hash next Saturday March 22nd at 2:30pm, pack off by 3:00pm.
The Green Dress Weekend doesn’t end with us, it only just begins.
Philly Full Moon Hash is hosting a pre-lube at Drinkers on 2nd and Market Street
Philly Phairweather Hash is hosting the Fat Boy Run on Sunday at noon at Dirty Frank’s…IT’S SHOWTUNE SUNDAY!
And so circle was closed and there was motor boating, ass to mouth, and the trying on of green dresses far too tight for physical pleasure…and we all rejoiced before heading over to BarebackMountains pad to make the night never end…this shit is just to fucked up for me to have made up on my own…ON-ON.